


I Can Feel Your Pain

by milkwithcalsehun



Category: Kpop - Fandom, VIXX
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad, fluff?, hospital au, idk what's wrong with me tbh, surprise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-06-04
Packaged: 2018-04-02 22:19:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4075864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkwithcalsehun/pseuds/milkwithcalsehun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drifting between my existence and myself, and you can feel my pain?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can Feel Your Pain

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tvxq](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tvxq/gifts).



> I got the title from a song of the same title by Manchester Orchestra.
> 
> The summary doesn't make sense because the fic doesn't make sense.
> 
> But it has its moments, friends.
> 
> Anyway, I wrote this for a friend, who adores the Luck ship.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it, friendship.

I Can Feel Your Pain

Taekwoon always had a weird way of expressing his emotions. Most of the time, he wore an unwavering look of displeasure and disdain, even when he was happy or sad, and he would never cry. It's like his face and his heart were two separate entities that couldn't agree upon a proper expression. But on occasion, something in his anatomy would flicker and Taekwoon would smile, the slightest upward curvature of his lips, and it would make my heart melt.

Lately, though, he just couldn't find it in himself to smile. Or to show anything on his face at all, for that matter. He looked to be in a constant state of pain and anguish. It was almost as if he were the one who was hooked up to all the hospital equipment instead of me. For the first few months, I was bitter, because I was the one in the unfortunate state, comatose and vegetablized, living outside my own body as if in limbo between life and death. It honestly pissed me off that people saw Taekwoon as the victim because he has to watch every day as his poor little Sanghyukkie clung to life while I was stuck doing the actual life-clinging.

But as the days passed, my heart softened to him. Maybe I had accepted my situation, maybe I had taken pity on the man I'd been in love with for three years. During the day, he would hold the facade of strength in front of doctors and nurses, friends and family. At night, he would hold my hand and let his tears fall onto my skin, and he would tell me over and over again that he could feel my pain.

At first, I knew he was lying. He could not feel my pain. He had no idea what I was going through. Not only did I have to live as an object, just a body in a bed, but I also had to watch his miserable state twenty-four seven. It wasn't like I could feel his pain either. I couldn't imagine watching a loved one struggle while I was left powerless to watch them. I couldn't feel his pain, he couldn't feel mine, and we knew that. But the lies were comforting in their own right, leaving us both sharing in our own guilt and problems that no one else could penetrate.

-

It's eight a.m. The sun is shining in through the window, its rays bouncing off of Taekwoon's dull, tired skin. Looking at Taekwoon conflicts me. I love him, and I want to touch him, to tell him that I'm alright, and to please go home and sleep, but I can't, and it fucking consumes me daily. I reach my hand out towards him, and it ghosts right over his consciousness, and I pat his hair and sooth him in ways that only I could. I'm pretty sure he knows I'm around, but he always focuses on putting me back into my living body. Having a floating boyfriend, even though it sounds cool, actually sucks some major ass.

Taekwoon used to have the prettiest eyes. Now they're in a perpetual state of bloodshot and puffy. He rarely sleeps. He watches me in the hopes that I might decide to pop back into my body and yell "Surprise!" I think the accident really fucked him up. He still flinches when he hears a car horn blaring, or brakes screeching, or a motor revving up in the parking lot. I think the reason he stopped sleeping is because he still sees that car crashing into us, still hears me yelling for him as I'm being thrown through the front windshield, still feels my hand being ripped away from his, and it haunts him. God knows it haunts me.

As I'm doing my eight a.m. Taekwoon watching, the door opens right on schedule. The busty nurse with the mole on her right cheek comes waltzing through the door. I like her. She's good to my Taekwoon. She takes care of him, makes sure he eats, and she understands, unlike some of the nurses who try to flirt with him and push themselves on him. I don't like those nurses. 

"Good morning, Taekwoon," she smiles at him, trying to engage him, because God knows when he slept last.

"Yeah," he responds disinterestedly, still looking at me in hopes that I'll wake up so we can finally go home.

"Isn't it beautiful out?" she tried.

"I wouldn't say that," Taekwoon said.

"Why not? The sun is shining, the sky is blue, there isn't a cloud in sight. Everything about this day is beautiful," she argued, half impressed that she managed to get out more than a one-word response out of Taekwoon.

"I just can't say that it is," he replies. 

She puffs out her cheeks in frustration. Taekwoon was typically very mild-mannered, but he could be extremely hard to deal with when he wanted to be.

"It's a nice day out. Lovely, even. But 'beautiful' is a word I only use for Sanghyuk," he says softly, a smile playing on his lips for the first time since the accident.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

"Awwww, that is so cute," she nurse squealed, causing Taekwoon to shoot her his classic look of disapproval.

She takes that as her cue to shut up and check my vitals. She still giggles on occasion, though, and Taekwoon's eyes snap open to twice their size. It's funny, really. Something worth seeing. Something that makes dying slightly worthwhile.

Once the nurse decides that I'm no closer to dying than I was yesterday, she does that thing where she tries to feed Taekwoon. He rarely eats, but today, he takes her up on her offer. She leaves to the cafeteria, and his eyes fall back to me.

I have to hand it to Taekwoon. If I were him, I'd be pissed at me. I could be with him everyday in body, but instead I float around in limbo, and he knows that. If I were him, I would yank me down and tell me to stop fucking around. But it's not like that, and he couldn't do that anyway.

The only thing worse than not being able to lie with Taekwoon in my own skin is not being able to give up and die, either.

I'm stuck here for literally the rest of my life, watching Taekwoon waste away into nothing, while all he can do is sit there and tell me he can feel my pain.

What a fucking joke.

-

They say it's darkest before the sun rises. I'm pretty sure they're all wrong.

I'd say the darkest time of the day is probably 11:45 a.m. when the big nurse comes in. She's my favorite nurse, because she takes the best care of my Taekwoon. But what makes 11:45 the darkest time is that she doesn't bullshit around, and it kills Taekwoon. Every single day she comes in and tells him that I can live, it's my choice, and so far I've only chosen the path of death.

But she's wrong. If it's my choice to come down and fucking live, then someone please tell me how.

She also tell Taekwoon that he has the choice to end it for me, to pull the plug, ("It's been ten months, Taekwoon," she says) but he always refuses to let me go.

I don't know if that makes me happy or sad at this point, to be honest.

When she leaves at 12:05, the sun doesn't necessarily start shining, but the air goes from a thick black fog to a translucent gray cloud hanging over me and Taekwoon for the rest of the day.

-

I love Taekwoon, but being with him constantly is agonizing. I wish he would just go home and let me die in peace.

-

Okay, I'm lying. I need Taekwoon.

Don't let him leave me.

-

Thank God for Lee Jaehwan and Kim Wonshik. 

I know I said I didn't want Taekwoon to leave me, and I don't, I don't mind if those two sweep in and distract him from the hell I've unintentionally created.

Those two are like a dynamic duo, I swear. They're both like a half and half mixture of serious and goofy, and they can make Taekwoon smile in a way that I can't anymore.

Every time they come into my hospital room, a weight is lifted off of my shoulders because I know that those two will be able to talk him into leaving the dreary, disgustingly clean hospital room at least for a day.

"Come on, hyung. He's not going anywhere," Wonshik coaxes, a morbid joke that eases a smile onto Taekwoon's face despite the way his shoulders tense.

"It's okay. He won't mind. He probably wants you to go out and have a day to relax," Jaehwan soothes, and I nod even though they can't see me.

"Yeah, I bet looking at your sad mug all day has got Sanghyuk pretty fucking depressed," Wonshik cracks, and Jaehwan glares at him, but Taekwoon laughs, and laugh, too, because he's so painfully right.

"I'll go, but if he's awake when I get back, I'm beating the shit out of both of you," Taekwoon glares.

Wonshik grins and smacks a hand down on Taekwoon's shoulder. Jaehwan does the same, and they both start dragging him out of the room. I start crying as I watch them go, mainly because I'm so happy to see him go and possibly enjoy himself instead of sitting around all day, staring at me and blaming himself for what happened to me while he barely even got hurt in the accident.

As they push him out into the hallway, and I see a nurse smile at Taekwoon, I know he's going to be okay, especially because the first thing on the agenda is "fucking feeding Taekwoon", according to Wonshik.

I am a little sad to see him go though, because now I have nothing to watch and I can't figure out how to turn the TV on.

-

When Taekwoon returns, it is late, but not too late. It's past visiting hours, that's for sure, but Taekwoon practically lives here at this point. The nurses don't even try to shoo him out like they used to.

The first thing I notice is that Taekwoon is smiling, and that upon seeing him smiling, I am smiling. Taekwoon warms my heart, seriously. Sometimes, he's too much for me to handle, caught in his own unnecessary guilt, but I love him more than anything.

Taekwoon walks over to my bed and kisses my lips lightly. I can't stop the tears that flow from my eyes. He is just too much.

He lingers by my side if only for a moment before making his way back to his little hospital couch and sleeping for the whole night.

-

It may be a little late, but let it be said that Taekwoon is my angel.

-

It has been a couple weeks since Taekwoon took his day out with Jaehwan and Wonshik. I know, it's a big time jump since my last account, but nothing really has changed, unless you want me to tell you every time Taekwoon breathes or blinks, which is a lot.

But anyway, I'm back. With news. 

I touched myself earlier, and not in the sex way. Perv. 

I touched my body, actually touched it for the first time since the accident, which I believe I should clarify, was almost a year ago at this point. Usually, I just pass through it, but I think I'm getting closer to becoming one with it again.

I think Taekwoon has noticed something strange happening to me, because he has started to make his way over to my bed, to where I am, and he runs his fingers along my skin. Oh, how I fucking long to feel that touch that I haven't felt in so long. I reach down to my own body again, and it feels like I'm connecting, body to spirit, spirit to body.

Taekwoon trails his fingers down to my hand, curls them around mine. I force further into myself. I need Taekwoon. I don't want him to feel my pain anymore, nor I his. I just want to feel him.

Taekwoon takes my hand fully in his and squeezes. I'm pushing, pushing, pushing. Pain suddenly shoots through my spirit. I'm connecting, I'm feeling again. I'm pushing.

Taekwoon brings my hand up to his lips and kisses it gently. I have no idea what has gotten into him, but it motivates me. I'm still pushing. I can do it.

"Sanghyuk, I...I know you can hear me. Please, I'm begging you," he said softly, with the voice that haunts my dreams, with the voice that keeps me going. 

And I am going.

He trails lingering kisses up my arm, he's a wild man, I'm telling you, and I try my best to merge with myself.

Whispers of "I love you" and tears pepper my arm as he works his way up, and my spirit screams. This is agony, the pain is almost too much.

Taekwoon's lips meet mine and my spirit lets out one last blood-curdling scream.

My eyes fling open.


End file.
